draught

Last night (for the second night in a row) I woke at 2am to a sky like flickering electricity and trees above me moaning against tornadic wind. I could feel the tarp floor lifting around my body and the fiberglass frame swaying; the storm had pulled my stakes loose again and, worse, I had fallen asleep with the screens open and the tent floor was soaked. Ducking into the downpoor, I crawled around the cold mud feeling for stakes and trying to re-anchor them quickly. I glanced inside my tent again: Guitar, backpack, sleeping bag, all of the clothes that I own. I looked up at the tall, shade-giving tree above me aching back and forth and thought of the large bough that had fallen into the driveway the night before. Forget it, I thought, and ran into the house.

It has almost been two months since my life changed course and I can't believe it's been so long. Somehow I am in Lawrence, Kansas, alone, with no plan for how long I will stay. I am embracing the warm and weird that this town is known for. What strikes me is the pride here. Everyone in Lawrence is here for a reason - most people I talk to are from other parts of Kansas and insist that this is the only place in the state worth living. The mastermind of this farm, Brady Karlin, is one of the most social and excitable people I have met. Anyone he doesn't know in town he sticks a hand out to and if there's something in particular you want to see, he knows the person to show it. Yesterday, through his connections, I exchanged information with two women who run sheep farms and process (spin, dye) their own wool, the man behind the dye plants at the KU Medicinal Garden, and a gorgeous secluded pond that graciously allowed a small group of us to take a dip.

I am trying to be realistic about where I am in my life. Recently turned 23 and homeless I have made a lot of big decisions in the last two months. I learned, recently, that a thought can catch you off guard and rush out of your mouth before you realize what you have said. I learned, also, that if you spend some time with that thought, introduce yourself to it, you may realize that you recognize it. You've seen it around and never wanted to accept it. In my case, my heart made a decision and left my mind reeling for weeks trying to catch up. Where once I had a direction (East) and a partner and some vague idea of a plan, none are now. This is a change that can either crush or motivate.

For now, a mostly dry tent under a (thankfully) strong Locust Tree in Lawrence, KS is my home. I will spend the next week trying to make the kind of connections that will keep me engaged, excited, and at least partially employed. Depending on how well that works out, I may look into sublets and stick out the summer.

If ever you feel lonely, find the honey vendor at the Lawrence Farmer's market dressed in the bee suit complete with antennae. If ever you feel trapped, jump off the dock at Anne and Mel's pond and sink until your feet feel the murky cold bottom. If ever you feel off balance, take a nap in the hammock and wake just in time to catch the lightning bugs taking their positions for sunset.

Forever alive, forever forward,

Stately, solemn, sad, withdrawn, baffled, mad, turbulent, feeble, dissatisfied,

Desperate, proud, fond, sick, accepted by men, rejected by men,

They go! they go! I know that they go, but I know not where they go;

But I know that they go toward the best—toward something great.

Walt Whitman - "Song of the Open Road"