What is and what is not.

Four days ago I received a call about my father's second-year PET scan after a run in with cancer in summer of 2009. The message from the doctor said that there were "significant findings" and that an appointment needed to be made for a biopsy. I decided that if the results were positive, I would move back to California. Three days ago, my sister drove my father to Stanford for the biopsy.

I have been struggling to keep my head above what has been an enormously overwhelming week. The reality of where I am in my life, everything that I have lost, and what I have left to lose weighs heavily on me. My actions have cost me the most important people in my life and it is a difficult change. I have decided to be frank, here, because I think its important: I know that my choices have brought me to enriching, awakening, beautiful experiences and people that I never otherwise would have crossed. I know that I wake up in touch with every hair on my body and that for the first time in my life, all of my insecurity and anxiety have melted away. Suddenly, I know who I am and that I am meant to be alone during this time in my life. Still, the consequences of this have been devastating and not a day rises that I am not woken by the sorry and sadness of it all.

A very important woman in my life showed me how to have faith. At each crucial juncture in her life, faith has brought her comfort and at the most difficult moments in my life since I have known her, her faith has generously brought the same to me. There is a tree on the property here that stands alone, making a perfect sphere of shade on an overgrown field. The grass inside this circle is smooth and matted from various creatures resting beneath it and so, every day, I sit below the tree and listen. This week, for the first time since I was a kid, I prayed for my dad. I don't know what answers or how it does, I don't know whether I have a right to ask at all, but I know that these moments fill my heart and visit me throughout my days in the garden and around town.

Yesterday my father called me to tell me that the results were negative, and he is still cancer free. Next week I will find a way to Montana to be with my family and then I will return yet again to the road to try to understand these lessons, to find a home, to give every ounce of love I have to everyone I meet, and to appreciate the most generous gift I have ever been given: the understanding that we are a part of something enormous, and that if we trust it, it will help us find our way.

draught

Last night (for the second night in a row) I woke at 2am to a sky like flickering electricity and trees above me moaning against tornadic wind. I could feel the tarp floor lifting around my body and the fiberglass frame swaying; the storm had pulled my stakes loose again and, worse, I had fallen asleep with the screens open and the tent floor was soaked. Ducking into the downpoor, I crawled around the cold mud feeling for stakes and trying to re-anchor them quickly. I glanced inside my tent again: Guitar, backpack, sleeping bag, all of the clothes that I own. I looked up at the tall, shade-giving tree above me aching back and forth and thought of the large bough that had fallen into the driveway the night before. Forget it, I thought, and ran into the house.

It has almost been two months since my life changed course and I can't believe it's been so long. Somehow I am in Lawrence, Kansas, alone, with no plan for how long I will stay. I am embracing the warm and weird that this town is known for. What strikes me is the pride here. Everyone in Lawrence is here for a reason - most people I talk to are from other parts of Kansas and insist that this is the only place in the state worth living. The mastermind of this farm, Brady Karlin, is one of the most social and excitable people I have met. Anyone he doesn't know in town he sticks a hand out to and if there's something in particular you want to see, he knows the person to show it. Yesterday, through his connections, I exchanged information with two women who run sheep farms and process (spin, dye) their own wool, the man behind the dye plants at the KU Medicinal Garden, and a gorgeous secluded pond that graciously allowed a small group of us to take a dip.

I am trying to be realistic about where I am in my life. Recently turned 23 and homeless I have made a lot of big decisions in the last two months. I learned, recently, that a thought can catch you off guard and rush out of your mouth before you realize what you have said. I learned, also, that if you spend some time with that thought, introduce yourself to it, you may realize that you recognize it. You've seen it around and never wanted to accept it. In my case, my heart made a decision and left my mind reeling for weeks trying to catch up. Where once I had a direction (East) and a partner and some vague idea of a plan, none are now. This is a change that can either crush or motivate.

For now, a mostly dry tent under a (thankfully) strong Locust Tree in Lawrence, KS is my home. I will spend the next week trying to make the kind of connections that will keep me engaged, excited, and at least partially employed. Depending on how well that works out, I may look into sublets and stick out the summer.

If ever you feel lonely, find the honey vendor at the Lawrence Farmer's market dressed in the bee suit complete with antennae. If ever you feel trapped, jump off the dock at Anne and Mel's pond and sink until your feet feel the murky cold bottom. If ever you feel off balance, take a nap in the hammock and wake just in time to catch the lightning bugs taking their positions for sunset.

Forever alive, forever forward,

Stately, solemn, sad, withdrawn, baffled, mad, turbulent, feeble, dissatisfied,

Desperate, proud, fond, sick, accepted by men, rejected by men,

They go! they go! I know that they go, but I know not where they go;

But I know that they go toward the best—toward something great.

Walt Whitman - "Song of the Open Road"

Changes

It's been a hard couple of weeks. It never ceases to amaze me how, in a matter of hours, everything can change. I started this trip with a plan, an end goal, a partner. Now I'm not sure I'm still on a trip. I have to remember that I am young, that life is long, that hearts are resilient and that life has a way of sorting us all out. Someone I have an enormous amount of respect for told me recently that we make the decisions we mean to make, even if if we catch ourselves by surprise in the moment we make them. We just have to trust our instincts.

Yesterday was the first birthday I have ever spent in Chicago, despite living here for four years. It was a long, beautiful, hot day spent in the company of one of my favorite people and ending in the company of our closest friends. I tried to use the day counting my blessings. My plan is to stay here as long as I can stand it and try to absorb as much love and positive energy from my friends as possible before I head back to Lawrence. There I'll go back to the farm and try to take on the reality of a new life, a weary soul, and a lack of direction.

I know that this tetherless state is something I have ached for. I know that there are only brief moments in our lives when we have this opportunity and the trick is to see them as such. An opportunity to be young. Be one's own person. Live simply and fully in every moment. Ram Dass says :

 

"The question we need to ask ourselves is whether there is any place we can stand in ourselves where we can look at all that's happening around us without freaking out, where we can be quiet enough to hear our predicament, and where we can begin to find ways of acting that are at least not contributing to further destabilization." 

 

"It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed."
— Ram Dass

 

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole France

updates!

So it has been a while since I've had a chance to update. I'll try to do a day-by-day so I make sure I don't miss anything!

First thing Monday morning Hanna, the other WWOOFer, and I left the farm in Arroyo Seco. On the way out of town we stopped at the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge to take some pictures - New Mexico is even more beautiful with a fresh coat of snow!

Tuesday morning, with no farm to go to and feeling the need to keep moving, I drove to meet Thomas in Gallup, NM. That day we drove to the Continental Divide and then drove through El Malpais National Monument . On the drive from Gallup to Grants we saw three police cars pulled over on the shoulder of the highway and slowed down assuming there had been an accident. As we got closer we saw three policemen throwing rocks to scare down a very large and confused bull that had somehow wandered out of his pasture and onto this hill along the highway and whose horns were way to big for even New Mexico's toughest police men to risk approaching. I really wish I had a picture of this.

Thursday and Friday we spent back at Hanna's father's house cooking big meals, playing music together (Hanna's father, Paul and brother, Cash are quite the musical duo), watching the Bulls demolish the Hawks in Game 3, and tag-sale hunting.

PIB (Pain.In.Butt) the Dog

 Hanna

Saturday morning we left Albuquerque and drove to the Jemez National Recreation Area near Jemez Springs, NM where we were surprised to encounter mountains and dense pine forests. We stayed in a lovely campsite within hiking distance to an incredible waterfall and McCauley Hot Springs, deep in the canyon.

view from the top

looking down the waterfall

Sunday we stayed in Espanola, NM and finally Monday morning we made it to Colorado!! Crossing the border was quite the experience due to 50mph winds which stirred up a massive dust storm that made visibility terrible. We spent last night in Canyon City, CO which is a really cute town and arrived this afternoon at the home of Thomas' cousins Mike & Linda just outside of Denver, CO. The Rockies are gorgeous as ever and we might even get some snow tomorrow! Hooray for mountains. More updates (and pictures) as they come!

(Note : Did you know that if you click on the pictures they will get bigger? They will! And most of them are way more interesting when you can tell what's going on)

Moving On

I can't understate how grateful I am for all of the amazing friends I have who have WWOOFed both in the US and other countries, and the stories they have shared with me about bad experiences with hosts.

The Arroyo Seco farm did not work out.

There were a couple of reasons :

1. As it turns out, this site was not a farm at all but rather a personal garden. The tasks that I and the other volunteer, Hannah, were given involved landscaping (trimming native bushes) and household work and it seemed to us that WWOOFers were being used more for labor than for mutual benefit.

2. Having been there for a week before my arrival Hannah had already experienced a bit of discomfort and frustration. In addition to the general feeling that our presence there was being exploited, Sunday evening we had a very aggressive and uncomfortable encounter with our host. After discussing our feelings about the situation we determined that it would be best for us to leave the following morning and so after just two nights there, Hannah and I left early this morning for Albuquerque where her family is generously letting me stay until I get back on track.

Among things gained from the experience: A couple of days spent in gorgeous Arroyo Seco, NM (despite the 3 inches of snow we received yesterday); the lesson learned to clarify the details of daily life on host farms and work expected from volunteers in advance of arrival; and my new friend Hannah!

I will update as things fall into place!

Love and miss you all!

Grand Ideas

So on Thursday morning bright and early I said a teary goodbye to Skye and got on the highway just in time to belt "here I go again on my ooown!" along with the radio. I arrived in Arizona to stay the night in a cabin at the KOA in Seligman, AZ. 

Friday morning we woke up prepared to get back on the road but quickly realized that we were less than 100 miles from the Grand Canyon and neither of us had ever been. So we did what any two free spirits would do - postponed our trips for a day to go visit one of the wonders of the world!



(Thomas looks kind of mad in this photo, but I swear he wasn't!)

The Grand Canyon was everything we had both imagined it would be: at once beautiful, overwhelming, crowded and expensive. Needless to say it was a fabulous break from the 40mph headwinds Thomas had been biking in and way for me to recharge before my first farm.

I arrived Saturday evening at my first farm in Arroyo Seco, NM (just north of Taos). The drive here from Albuquerque is amazing! Its pretty much uphill the whole way except every time you reach the top of a particular hill the landscape has completely changed on the other side! You drive from wide open desert into rolling hills and suddenly mountains appear out of nowhere rising over the wide, flat plain where Taos is located. The Sangre de Cristo Mountains are really only rivaled in beauty by the Rio Grande gorge which sits just a short distance away.




The landscape here is absolutely gorgeous and as I get farther into the week I will try to update with more information. In the mean time, here is some proof:

It Begins.

Utah

Mountain goats in 70 through Colorado

It's official! We left Chicago on the 17th and stayed with our wonderful friends Andrew and Lisa in Kansas City, MO. A night in a hotel in a tiny mountain town off 70 in Colorado and a 15 hour drive later and we arrived at the hotel in Ventura, CA on Tuesday.

We spent Wednesday enjoying the town's local highlights (specifically the amazing eateries, Nature's Grill and Tony's Pizzeria). Thursday morning, with a blanket of fog and a nice breeze off the ocean, Thomas headed down the road. My excitement for him and the experiences ahead of him is curbed only by wish to be on my way as well. I'll be spending this week with my family in Marin County, CA before I take off on the 28th toward my first farm in New Mexico.

dorky boyfriend

final preparations

For now I'll have to appease my restlessness by chasing my 6 and 4 year old nieces around the playground and posting up the pictures I took of Thomas' last day and departure. I've put a few here, and you can see the rest on the right side of the page in my Flickr feed.

Christening in the Pacific

the beautiful drive north on 101 along the California coast

Since I'm feeling a bit antsy about not updating my music blog anymore, here's a little Mason Jennings for your ears:

Mason Jennings : "California"
  Live at The Cave in 1998.

Karlin Family Farms

Second farm confirmed! If everything pulls together I will be just outside of Lawrence, Kansas at Karlin Family Farms from May 19th-June 6th (after which point is reunion time for my birthday in Chicago!). I've been to Lawrence a couple of times and always really enjoyed it there so it'll be nice to have a little more time to explore the town. During the time I am there Warren Brush of www.quailsprings.org will be hosting a Permaculture [permanent agriculture] Design Series which I've been invited to attend. I like the idea of sitting in on a few lectures but I am more excited about the idea of getting my hands dirty!

I spoke on the phone with Brady Karlin, brother of Troy Karlin (the stewards of the farm which has been in the family since 1985). The Karlin's hope to turn the 10 acre property into a thriving homestead and educational facility, as well as develop a master permaculture plan for the farm which now includes a 225 native fruit and nut tree orchard and 6500sq ft perennial garden. Brady sounded like a really friendly, laid back guy and I'm really looking forward to working with them.

Also: Kansas friends- this is a call to you! Come volunteer with me. It will be fun, I promise!

You can see their facebook group here and their website here!

First farm confirmed!

Alllllllright. First farm confirmed! I have been in touch with the owner and she has assured me that there will be some other WWOOFers and "plenty of shit to shovel" when I get there. I'm bringing a tent and some camping supplies for the trip because although many WWOOF registered farms do provide housing to their volunteers, most of the ones I am hoping to stay on do not. Anyway I would not put up a fight about camping all summer long if I needed to.

The farm is located 12 miles north of Taos in Des Montes at 7,500 ft at the foot of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. They grow greens, raspberries, and seasonal vegetables in the fields and in the greenhouse. They produce their own honey (I am specifically seeking out bee-keeping farms on this trip in hopes of learning as much as I can).  If all goes well I'll be staying there from April 28th-May 10th. One of the shortest stays on the whole trip because I'll be meeting Thomas in New Mexico and traveling to Denver.

After Thomas gets back in his bike again (around May 19th) I've got a few potential farms I've emailed. I'll update when I know exactly where I'm going to be but the goal is to be on a farm from May 19th/20th through June 7th when I'll drive to Chicago catch up with Thomas for a reunion with our incredible Chicago family to celebrate my birthday on the 8th.

Hazaah! More to come.